The Vast Self-Storage Epidemic - Essay

As things have reached a point where idiocy and incompetence reign supreme, and as this is now apparent to anyone with a brain larger than a split pea, there is really little more to say until something drastic happens, if it ever does. So I am engaging in another observation of ongoing events outside of the political realm (actually, if the truth were known, this phenomenon is probably political as well, but that is too complicated for such a limited space).

If you are not yet aware of it, there is an epidemic raging in the Northwest, an epidemic of Self-Storage construction. If you don’t believe me I suggest you drive around Idaho and Washington and observe it for yourself. It is utterly amazing. In every burg, small town, city, and metropolis, self-storage units are springing up faster than politicians at a corporate feeding trough, faster than mushrooms after a rain, faster even than speeding bullets at an NRA shooting range. I suspect this may be a national phenomenon as well. These self-storage units are all of pretty uniform construction, rows of inexpensive buildings with dozens of spaces, each with a metal door than can be locked, and usually of standard sizes, although sometimes there are smaller and larger units. I don’t know the actual dimensions but I would surmise 12 x 12 or thereabouts is pretty standard. In some cases there may be only a dozen bays or so but in others there are dozens and dozens. Some of these facilities occupy an acre or more, row upon row of them, all alike, all either waiting for customers or already filled. They are absolutely ubiquitous. They are springing up by the thousands.
I cannot understand this development. Who rents these spaces? Why? For how long? We are supposedly living in a society that engages in obsolescence. That is, when your toaster breaks, or your refrigerator, or your TV, or whatever, you are supposed to throw it away and get a new one. You wouldn’t expect these storage bins to be full of no longer functional machinery, would you? You think they might be full of broken refrigerators, washers and dryers, used mattresses, broken tables and chairs, etc.? That seems to me unlikely. So what are they full of? They must be used by the relatively affluent because presumably the poor wouldn’t have surpluses of things to store, would they? I was unable to perceive any genuine correlation between the existence of trailer parks and self-storage units. Similarly, you would not expect people living in small apartments to have great surpluses to squirrel away, would you? And the poor unfortunates who lived through Katrina probably don’t have a lot of stuff left either. No, it seems to me only relatively rich people would have enough surplus goods to warrant renting additional space. Especially space that is not easily accessible on a day-to-day basis. Perhaps this is the latest thing in status symbols? “I rent more spaces than you, nha nha,” or something? I suppose it is also possible that many people are renting these units in anticipation of no longer being able to afford the huge houses they have purchased in the past few years – have to have someplace to potentially store those surplus couches, dining room tables, easy chairs, and whatever.
I also wonder what restrictions, if any, apply to what one can store. Could you, for example, cut up your wife or mother-in-law and stash the body away? Does anyone actually check on what’s there? When you arrive to inspect your treasures does anyone watch? Does anyone even care what you stash away? As there is no temperature control I guess no one stores fine wines. As there is no running water, toilets, stoves, windows, or fresh air I don’t suppose you could use a unit as a weekend getaway. My guess is, if you inspected some of these spaces you would probably find old trunks full of family photographs, dishware, quilts, maybe years of receipts, correspondence, old books, and things like that. Things your grandparents or maybe even parents treasured that to you are basically junk but can’t really be thrown away. (at least not yet - your children or their children will do it).
But another question might be raised here. Who builds these units? How do we know this is not a horrendous terrorist plot of some kind? Just think, if a terrorist were to plant even one bomb in one unit in every self-storage facility in the United States, every town and city in the U.S. would experience a massive explosion at precisely the same time. Would that cause a real panic or what? I know, I know, it all sounds paranoid and far-fetched. Personally I find this unprecedented and unbelievably rapid growth of self-storage facilities far-fetched. Perhaps I should not be concerned. Perhaps this is just another manifestation of the affluent society we live in. Perhaps it is merely symbolic of our hard-working Protestant ethic, our success in the marketplace of life. Maybe it’s where people save their money. You know, when your unit is up to your waist in twenty dollar bills, you might have enough to send your child to college. My best guess is this is where our CEO’s stash their millions and billions of taxpayer monies so we won’t get too suspicious. After all, if a Congressman can have $90,000 stashed in his freezer, why can’t a CEO have a few millions stashed in an old mattress in his self-storage unit? Isn’t that what self-storage is all about? You tell me. I have no idea what the hell this epidemic is all about.