On cute - essay

My TV has been off all day. I absoluely cannot bear to hear another word about the election. I want it to be over. I want John Kerry to win decisively. I want to feel safe again. Not safe from terrorists, I don't feel afraid of terrorists. I am afraid of unemployment, of losing Social Security, Health Care, privacy, my right to have my vote counted, afraid the Stock Market may crash, the value of the dollar might collapse even further, and things like that. If Bush were to win I am not at all clear as to what I might do. So here is another essay to help you keep your mind temporarily off the election, in so far as that might be possible.



I don't know precisely what the essence of "cute" is but I think I recognize it when I see it. It's always repulsive for one thing. Saccharine. Maudlin. Mushy. Disgusting. Women who crinkle their noses when they talk are cute. THE ELECTRIC KOOL-AID ACID TEST is cute. FOR COLORED GIRLS...WHEN THE RAINBOW IS ENUF is super cute, even moreso than DAD OH DAD MOMS LOCKED YOU IN THE CLOSET AND IS FEELING SO SAD, both of which are enough to make you sick to your stomach, certainly enuf (enuf is cute just by itself) to make one not want to hear about it. That is, if you're on the anti-cute side of the world as I am.
It's obvious to me that the world is divided into two camps on this - the pro and anti-cute, whether equally or not I'm not quite certain. I fear the pro-cuters may be the majority as there is so much cute around. I don't think there is a large middle ground on this either.
"Love is" followed by whatever latest little homily is perhaps the longest running contemporary cute. Sandy Duncan is cute. Children talking like adults is cute. Old people talking like children is likewise cute. I (heart) followed by a picture of dogs or cats or something is cute. His and hers is cute. Baby talk is cute. I once received a resume from someone wanting a job which had a little heart shaped balloon drawn on it and started off with "Hello, I'm Dennis." Now that's transcending even the normal limits of cute by an unforgiveable margin. It could be argued that there are really only two kinds of people, those who think cute is cute and those who despise it with an intensity that those who like it could never possibly comprehend. Those who like it seek others like themselves, like friend Dennis above. You'd have to be absolutely dedicated to cute to give him a job. Little, especially little-girlish, is cute even when the poor unfortunate little person doesn't even want to be cute. This is a genuine handicap as, for example, when you're 30 years old, the head of your household, and everyone asks to speak with your mother.
Cute is two people sitting in a bar singing YOU LIGHT UP MY LIFE to each other, wearing a heart shaped patch on the rear of your designer jeans, putting out a sign that says "attack cat," or even worse, "save me from things that go bump in the night." Diane Keaton is absolutely, unbelievably, persistently, totally, unmistakably, almost indescribably cute, especially as Annie Hall. Sickening. Writing with no capital letters is cute. Valentine's day is cute. Naming your cat Mr. Muddles is cute. Putting clothes on your dog is even worse cute. Apparently people who do these things not only enjoy it but give enjoyment to others like themsevles. They are oblivious to the suffering these things cause others. "I brake for Elves" is cute, at least the first time you see it, as is "One Nuclear Bomb Can Ruin Your Whole Day." For some people cute just doesn't seem to run out, they stick with it day after day, week after week, until you begin to wonder if there isn't something wrong with yourself instead of them.
I guess those who are into cute must have had parents that were like that. If people want to be cute in the privacy of their homes that's one thing, imposing it on an unwilling and unreceptive public is quite another. But, then, I suppose you can't really be cute in private. It seems to demand an audience. "Ye Olde..." is cute. "Shoppe" is cute. Wearing your husband's shirts is cute. Making faces is cute. Being "naughty" is cute. Saying "ever so much" is cute, as is dressing young and going "potty." It seems you just can't escape it. There's always one in every crowd, at least one. And worst of all, those who go for cute are constitutionaly unable to understand those of us who don't. They obviously believe that being cute is cute. Isn't that cute?

BUT DON'T FORGET TO VOTE!!!