Black hats - essay

I don't know how it is where you live, but out here in the northwest where I live there are men, granted a minority, that wear black hats. Big, broad-brimmed black cowboy hats. Now I suppose a man has a right to wear any color and kind of hat he wants. But didn't anyone ever tell these guys that only the bad guys wear black hats. The good guys wear white hats. Always.
While I'm not one to stereotype (usually), I've noticed that these black hat wearers do share a lot of behavior patterns. First of all, they never seem to take their hats off. If you see a man wearing a black cowboy hat you'll never see him without it. They wear them in the house, in restaurants, everywhere. I recently saw a man wearing his black hat for his wedding picture. In fact, I actually saw a wedding picture in which both the bride and groom wore black hats! I wonder if they wear them to bed.
Black hat wearers also only drive pickups. I've never once seen a man driving a car wearing a black hat. I suppose it could happen in an emergency or something, but I've never seen it. Never. And, while it is true that not all men with rifles in their pickups wear black hats, it is true that all black hat wearers have rifles in their pickups.
Another thing. Black hat wearers never smile. Or, if they do, it must be very rare. This must be part of the image they are trying to convey. The tough guy, macho, don't-fool-with-me image. It is inconceivable to me that they don't know they are promoting this image of themselves. Have they never seen a movie? Read a book? Most of them have probably seen a movie or two at some point in their lives, but whether they have read a book is extremely doubtful. Indeed, my experience with these guys leads me to believe they don't read anything, except perhaps an occasional comic book. This doesn't keep them from having strong opinions on things of interest to them. Like environmentalists, for example. Or liberals. And here where I live, on Californians. They despise these types. Apparently they get these opinions from each other. They are universally conservatives, often extremely so.
It is also a pretty safe bet that if a man has a black hat he will also have cowboy boots. Contrary to what you might expect, they do not ordinarily have cow manure on their boots. This is because most of them are no longer cowboys. There are very few cowboys left, even here. These guys just want to pretend to be cowboys. Tough cowboys. Bronc riders. Most of them use snuff and have that little telltale circle on the back pockets of their jeans. They laugh at city folk and say things like "yep," and "nope," and "shucks," and lots of other things I won't bother to mention. They are really big on bumperstickers. Especially things like, "Rush is Right," or "Hungry and out of work, eat an environmentalist," "Neuter anti-hunters," and stuff like that. You know, pleasant, well-thought-out, non-controversial, objective things.
These black hat fans also like big belt buckles. Usually silver, but sometimes scrimshaw on bone or horn. They have western themes like a bucking bronco, or a man twirling a lariat, or maybe an elk head or a deer. Outdoorsy stuff.
I have no idea where these men get the notion to wear a black hat. And it seems to pass with time. You don't see really old men wearing these wide-brimmed black creations. I guess when you get old you're no longer macho enough. Your typical black hat wearer is a well-built, good-sized younger man. They just don't look right on small, slender, or effeminate men although once in while you'll see these latter types. They look ridiculous in black hats. Somehow, they don't seem to care. Neither do I, really.