Sports

“Respectable” couple ”mortified”
when arrested for having sex
on the grass outside Windsor Castle.

Today I watched the 135th Kentucky Derby. I have no interest in horse racing, never watch it at all, know nothing about it, but I still watch the Derby every year. Today it was won by a horse named “Mine the Bird.” I have no idea where such a name originated. What I do know is that Mine the Bird was a 50 to 1 longshot, one of the greatest upset victories in history. This horse cost a mere $9500 and was delivered to the Race Track by its owner, who drove his pickup with a horse trailer some 1500 miles to get there (he also, for what it’s worth, had a broken leg), a genuine Cinderella story. Does this mean there is hope for all of us?

I also watch at least one game of the Baseball World’s Series every year, even though I have even less interest in baseball than in horse racing. I sort of like the idea of baseball, the game and the rules, but it is far too boring to watch. But how can you not watch such monumental events that occur every year and are as much American as apple pie and hypocrisy. I used to watch professional basketball years ago, but now that it has evolved into a game even more boring than cricket I have given it up. I still watch College basketball, but only during March Madness. Why I do this I do not know. I used to play golf. I was terrible at it, but I spent lots of money and effort before I finally had to admit it was, for me, a hopeless pursuit. I watch golf tournaments, but only if Tiger Woods is playing. During the months he was nursing his bad knee and recuperating I didn’t watch a single tournament. He will probably win again tomorrow. I have a friend in Arizona who has never played golf and doesn’t particularly like it. He watches golf tournaments because, he says, it’s the only time he ever sees anything green.

I confess to watching football, but mainly because my son is an aficionado and insists I watch so he can explain it to me. I watch, but I still don’t really understand it very well. Being a sexist pig (I guess) I never watch women’s sports, ever. When I was still trying to play golf the Pro’s 15 year-old daughter beat me so regularly (and so badly) I have never recovered. Tennis, too, is a game I never watch. I tried tennis a few times and it soon became obvious to me that unless you are a really fine player, it is a hopeless game. I mean, if you can’t play, it’s just hit the ball, run and pick it up, hit it again, run and pick it up, and so on endlessly. Soccer bores me to death. I don’t understand it, but it seems to me you have to be passionately devoted to watching people run to bother about it. It’s just running and running and maybe, if you’re really lucky, someone will actually score. Bowling is another dead end as far as I can see. If you don’t smoke cigars and drink beer you have no business in a bowling alley. When I was in Australia I was exposed to Rugby League football. I thought the ball was completely extraneous to the main endeavor which seemed to be punching and kicking each other. Lacrosse is said to be an interesting game. I wasn’t alive when it was in its heyday. I guess it’s making a comeback but I rather doubt the modern version is as interesting as the original Indian game. Polo is completely outside of my life space. I don’t know any millionaires. Curling is so esoteric I find it hard to believe it really is a game. The same thing holds true of lawn bowling, shuffleboard, horseshoe pitching, badminton, croquet, and other such innocuous ways of passing the time.

Sailboat and sled racing, along with surfing and track and field, may be legitimate sports, but auto, speedboat, snowmobile and personal watercraft racing I do not consider sports at all. These latter are, as near as I can tell, mostly engineering contests. That is, whoever can keep the noisy, polluting things running the longest usually wins. Hunting and fishing are important means of obtaining food, and they may involve ingenious methods, but I cannot really consider them sports as they are presently pursued. What is “sporting” about shooting basically helpless animals with high powered rifles and shotguns. The sport seems to consist merely of finding something to kill, after which it is merely a means of slaughter. I grant the fact that there may be an element of skill involved, but, then, there is an element of skill involved in butchering. I think people who hunt and fish for food are entirely justified, hunting for sport I find very difficult to justify. I don’t think doing it with modern bows and arrows or muzzleloaders makes it much better. Bullfighting might be more exciting and dangerous than hunting, and of course is a very old ritual event, but I don’t think it is any more “sporting.”

I think it is absolutely wonderful that the “most exciting two minutes in sports,” in “The sport of Kings,” was won today by an inexpensive horse owned by a guy in New Mexico who just broke his leg on a motorcycle, and delivered him to the Derby in a trailer pulled by a pickup truck. What a world!

LKBIQ:
Luxury is the wolf at the door and its fangs are the vanities and conceits germinated by success. When an artist learns this, he knows where the danger is.
Tennessee Williams

TILT:
A male badger is a boar, a female is a sow, a young one is a cub.