On Christmas shopping

Utah man steals $500,000
firetruck to visit his mother
at home in Washington.

After my eye appointment today, we took the opportunity to try to do a bit of Christmas shopping. Yes, of course, we’re a bit late. But we really enjoy the endless lines of automobiles, the thousands of shoppers (all late, just like us), the long lines, the jostling and shoving and bad tempers, the endless droning of Christmas carols, the well-below freezing temperatures, the new action figure of Christ, the thousands upon thousands of items of Chinese junk, the snow-covered slippery sidewalks, the suspicious floorwalkers, the waiting in line after line, driving home over slippery, frozen highways, the overwhelming Christmas good cheer, and all the other joys of the season. It really is the season to be jolly. You know, the annual time when we celebrate the Gods of Materialism and Merchandising. So, ho ho ho! In fact, we flunked Christmas shopping today, finding virtually nothing that any of us could possible want or use (if you can believe that).

I guess the reason for our failure today is the entirely new concept of Christmas shopping I unveiled this year. It beats all of the above and makes Christmas shopping a breeze, as easy as falling off a greased pig. It’s a simple concept, but foolproof, and fascinating in its own right. I just brought up Amazon.com, Shop.com, and whatever other shopping venues were necessary. Then I told my wife and son to order whatever they wished (depending upon their good sense not to over-do it). Thus they each ordered exactly what they would really like, rather than having to take a chance on the stupid or useless items that I might have given them. The stuff eventually arrives in the mail or by UPS or FedEx, I wrap it (somewhat clumsily) and put it under the tree. Simple, no? What, you think that takes all the surprise out of Christmas? Not at all. In fact, it makes it all the more exciting. It merely shifts the surprise from the receiver to the giver. As I don’t know exactly what they ordered, I am very surprised, and I’m even more surprised when I get the bills. It works exactly the same for them, I order stuff, they are surprised at my lack of taste or sophistication, but wrap it nonetheless , and then they are even more surprised when I complain about the bills. The other great feature of this system is that all of the items never arrive on time, thus spreading out the Spirit of Christmas and gift-giving over a longer period. You also don’t have to return unwanted items unless something is damaged in transit (this rarely happens anymore as everything is wrapped and smothered in thousands of plastic bubbles and such). You eventually have to take all this to the dump, but you have to do that no matter what system you employ. Our shopping today was mostly just nostalgia, and the search for those cute little items you might want to put in a stocking. As sorely as I was tempted, I resisted the urge to buy the new action figure of Jesus (I try to avoid hypocrisy). I can report in all honesty that not one single person of any kind wished us Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays, not one. Perhaps it was the glazed look in our eyes that put them off.

Shocking! Obama was photographed in Hawaii with his shirt off. Imagine! His shirt off! How un-Presidental. Of course he was swimming, but even so, how awful. How long do you think it will be before someone brings out the pictures of Putin and compares the two of them? How will Obama fare, with that slim torso and the skinny legs of a basketball player, when compared to the stouter Putin, more of a body-builder or wrestler? Maybe Playgirl will get interested. It will help keep our mind off the 700 billion dollar con job the banks and Wall Street just pulled off. That is what you might call a real Christmas present. Paulsen, who arranged this job, will now become the “car czar.” He will probably arrange for the sale of the big 3 to the Japanese, all in the spirit of big bidness (as dear Molly Ivens used to say).

I can tell you one thing for certain, the gift of truly good sight is the finest Christmas present of all. Dr. Michael H. Cunningham, at the Inland Eye Center in Spokane deserves all the accolades he has received and more.

LKBIQ:
Christmas is a holiday that persecutes the lonely, the frayed, and the rejected.
Jimmy Cannon


TILT:
Whist is a trick taking card game that was played for centuries before becoming auction bridge and later contract and duplicate bridge.