Explanations of sorts

“Meatball” wins most beautiful
bulldog crown at 31st annual
beautiful bulldog contest in Des Moines.

Some 73% of Americans, it is claimed in some poll or other, do not trust the U.S. Government. I am one of them. Of course I trust the Post Office to deliver my mail. And I trust that my Social Security check will arrive every month. And I like Medicare, and I think the Veterans Health Care program runs pretty well, I think universal elementary schools are a good idea, I really like the Interstate Highway system, Libraries, and I sort of appreciate some control over communicable diseases, as well as protection from enemies, both local and foreign. But other than that I guess I don’t really trust the government. I’ve been giving some thought to this lately and I have concluded that as the government can’t be trusted I had better come up with my own explanations for why things are not going well.

Let’s start with earthquakes and volcanic eruptions. It seems there has been quite a lot of this activity lately. I think this must be the result of sucking too much out of the earth, oil, water, minerals, coal, and etc. That is, because of all this extraction, the interior of the earth must be shrinking, sort of like an orange that has had the juice sucked out of it, and the result is earthquakes and such. I really can’t think of any other explanation that makes sense to me.

We also have this problem with Iran that seems to be somewhat intractable. What I think people fail to realize is just how appreciative the Iranians really were when our CIA overthrew their democratically elected government and installed the Shah. It was not well understood at the time that the psychological defense mechanism known as “identification with the aggressor” was in play, and although they chafed under the Shah, they really identified with us. Of course the Shah has been gone for quite a while now so they have become unhappy. The idea is, I guess, that if we bomb them, especially with nuclear bombs, they will identify with us once again. Iranians cannot be trusted to act like ordinary human beings, that is why they may or may not be trying to develop a nuclear bomb and we are not to believe anything they say or do.

Another item of interest has to do with the Constitution. Silly Sarah has now made it clear that our founding fathers really did not believe in the separation of church and state, even though it may appear they did. This is because of a well-known anthropological dictum that says just because something wasn’t reported doesn’t mean it might not have existed. You know, if you are an anthropologist, and if you travel to some weird culture, and if you come back and don’t report they saved children’s feces, that doesn’t mean they didn’t do that, it just means you failed to report it. So it is with the Constitution. We should thank Sarah for this correction to our thinking about it.

Then there is the problem of rampant sex in Washington, D.C. There has been a genuine spate of adulterous incidents, homosexuality, and so on. This is, I think, a direct result of the Bill Clinton effect. You see, before Clinton no member of Congress ever had sex in their office before, especially oral sex, and his successful venture along these lines obviously inspired others to “do their own thing” which they have been doing (a lot) ever since.

And so it is with taxes. A lot of people are really upset about taxes, and, I guess, rightly so. As you may not know, taxes were invented in Kenya, and when Obama was born and raised there he liked them so well he vowed that when he became President of the U.S. he would introduce them here. Before Obama we didn’t have taxes and everyone was happy.

Many of our current troubles can be traced back to Saint Ronnie, who made us aware, for the first time, that “Government was the problem.” Before Reagan everyone loved the government and no one ever complained about it until he placed this seed of doubt in our minds. So now, as a result of his legacy, his Republican party has decided that whatever government wants to do they should oppose it. This rule only applies when democrats are in the majority because they are the ones that have always been in favor of government (you know, like the post office, social security, bad stuff like that).

Guns have become an issue, too. It is well known that Obama intends to take away everyone’s guns. The fact that he has made no moves in this direction just proves that he is going to do it someday. He is just laying low and lulling everyone into believing he is not going after their guns. You have noticed, I hope, that the census does not require you to list your guns, or even to report you have one, pretty sneaky that.

LKBIQ:
Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest men in national government too.
Richard M. Nixon

TILT:
There is now some talk of perhaps placing wolverines on the endangered species list.