Notes on Christmas

I confess to being of two (or more) minds when it comes to Christmas. On the one hand I like the idea of the tree all decorated, hanging stockings, exchanging gifts, and even the pretense of peace on earth and goodwill to men and all that. But then there is the unfortunate reality of the Season. First of all there are those (to me) unbelievably dreary Christmas carols that I have heard every year now for 80 years. You know, the religious ones about mangers and wise men and angels and round yon virgins and stuff like that. If I find these dreary I must say I find the more secular Christmas songs absolutely insipid. Jingle Bells isn’t so bad, except that having heard it probably thousands of times it no longer does anything for me. But beyond Jingle Bells things really get stupid, “I Saw Mommie Kissing Santa Claus,” for example, or that all-time winner that made Gene Autrey so famous, “Rudolf the Red-Nose Reindeer.” I mean really insipid stuff that they play over and over and over until I want to cover my ears until New Years Eve when I like to hear the champagne corks, something to which I can truly relate, along with having made it one more year.

I confess that this year I have been spared Christmas and all the songs and hype because my life has become so sheltered. I do not listen to the radio, watch only a couple of TV programs, and seldom venture far from the safety of Sandhill. I did notice the first inkling of Christmas on November 2nd, I believe it was a Wal Mart ad, and I have accidently seen a couple of other ads, but nothing really offensive as yet. This will no doubt change tomorrow as I am visiting a city some hundred or so miles away that will no doubt be inundated with Christmas hype in all its overblown plastic forms and blaring music everywhere.

My mixed feelings about this important holiday have not kept me from thinking about possible gifts for people. As most of the people I know already have most everything they could possibly wish, this requires some creativity. One of my friends has a dog so my eye was caught by an ad for a collapsible water dish for a dog. It comes with a logo from a Brewhouse. Not a bad idea. Doggie doorbells are another possibility here, as is an “I love my grandogs” bone magnet. We only have cats but it is up to my wife to provide for them (which she does generously every Christmas when they stay high on catnip for days).

My wife, being a very accomplished chef, has most everything in the way of kitchen gear and utensils. She does not, however, have a battery operated salt and pepper mill. However, a gift of such a thing might not please her as it could be seen as implying she is getting too old to use ordinary salt and pepper shakers. Then I thought of some stainless steel turkey lifters, large sort of claw-like things that help one lift turkeys out of the roasting pan, and a mere $34.99 on sale. That’s kind of expensive for such an unneeded tool, after all she’s been cooking turkeys for quite a long time without such specialized help. A “pizza dough docker” would be cheaper, you just roll it across the dough to keep it thin. Alas, that has sharp spikes that could hurt someone, and as she never makes pizza, I decided against it. A “single server sugar dispenser” might be nice. It would save her all the trouble of having to find a spoon and it can be operated with just one hand, of course she doesn’t use sugar herself. Then there is something described as a stainless steel “soap” that removes all onion, fish, or other odors from your hands. It comes with a wall mount so it is quite handy. But then I found the onion goggles with the fog-free lens and the soft foam seal, perfect for keeping her from crying, a really fine choice. I looked for a dressing gown made from the throat hairs of the wild Himalayan Ibex, but then I remembered that was something made up by Max Schulman, or maybe Perlman. When I was about to give up completely I finally stumbled on the perfect solution: Intentional chocolate---“delicious Hawaiian chocolate infused with positive intention my meditating Tibetan monks.”

We don’t have our tree yet, we’ve been just too busy. Unfortunately my wife, being thrifty, and living in the middle of an evergreen forest, refuses to pay money for a tree. She makes either me or my son find one somewhere on our six acres here at home. This is not as easy as you might surmise. There are lots of trees but most of them are not very suitable as Christmas trees. We invariably end up with what she refers to (for reasons I do not know) as a “Charlie Brown” tree. This cost-saving demand makes her happy and once it’s loaded with all the ornaments and lights you can hardly see how spindly and ill-formed and inappropriate it actually is. The cats love it so much we cannot put ornaments lower than about three feet above floor level. This does present a rather strange-looking, top-heavy, somewhat grotesque, but still functional object of reverence that satisfies our every Christmas wish until just after the New Year.

It’s Christmas time! Try to be of good cheer.

LKBIQ:
Dear Lord, I've been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Christmas turkey before us... a turkey which was no doubt a lively, intelligent bird... a social being... capable of actual affection... nuzzling its young with almost human- like compassion. Anyway, it's dead and we're gonna eat it. Please give our respects to its family...
Berke Breathed

TILT:
We are importing octopus from Thailand.