I have been racking my brain, not only racking it, but also compartmentalizing it, dividing it up into quadrants, arranging it alphabetically, ranking things chronologically, dividing it into segments, arranging things into pie graphs, flow charts, statistical probabilities, and even bar graphs, and I’m still not sure I’ve solved the mystery of why Saucy Sarah, the Alaska Housewife from Hell, she with the shrill voice of the screech owl, the tenacity of the barracuda, the talents of a used car salesman, the stamina of a pit bull, the opportunism of a coyote, the cleverness of an arctic fox, and the brain of a peacock, is rumored to be buying a 1.7 million dollar home in Scottsdale, Arizona.
I mean, really, the Sarah who claims to love Alaska, the life style, the shooting of wolves from helicopters, hunting big game with high-powered rifles, watching grizzly bears, fishing with her husband, cooking Moose noses, walking in the forest primeval, protecting the oil industry, keeping an eye on Russia from her front porch, making television shows touting how great it is to live there, now wants to move to the Arizona desert to live with gila monsters, rattlesnakes, cactus, Joshua trees, and road runners? Why, I ask myself, would she do this? It was while engaged in this basically waste of thought the epiphany occurred. She is going to run for the Senate!
Remember that Senator Jon Kyl of Arizona has recently announced he will retire at the end of his current term (next year I believe). And also bear in mind that John McCain, Palin’s mentor, is not a young man and will have to retire soon as well. Think of it, where would a clever but mostly empty-headed woman, who has managed to convert her 15 minutes of fame (thanks to McCain) into a few years of extremely lucrative activity, have a greater chance of being elected to the Senate than Arizona? Palin must know she has no chance of ever being President, and she must also know that her career will necessarily fade if she does not manage to stay in the press and on the political scene. So why not the Senate where she can join the many other empty heads, like Inhofe, DeMint, Sessions, Nelson, and others that exist there in oil-financed and other corporate luxury with little to do except vote as they are told and keep getting re-elected? She’d be perfect as a Senator from Arizona as she’s always been interested in death panels, guns, and fundamentalism. There must be a residency requirement in Arizona to run for the Senate, so if she buys now she will probably meet that requirement. Just remember if she does run for Senate in Arizona you heard it here first. If she doesn’t, pretend you never heard it at all, I didn’t say it, and you don’t know what anyone is talking about.
If good ol’ Newt’s run for President wasn’t already over last week it certainly will be soon. It’s the “bling” that will bring him down for sure. Five hundred thousand dollar debt to Tiffany’s that he does not want to explain. Now that the question has been raised you can bet the media won’t let it go and will ask it over and over until they get an answer. Why doesn’t he want to answer? How much money in jewelry is his current wife wearing? If he lives as frugally as he claims how could he owe five hundred thousand? Sorry Newt, I’m afraid your years of living frugally or otherwise are about to come to an end. Good riddance to one of the greatest phonies who ever lived.
I bet you didn’t know that President Obama’s great, great, great grandfather was not born in Ireland at all, but, rather, in Bechuanaland, now known as Botswana. He left there with a false birth certificate and passport to emigrate to Ireland where he took up residence in Moneygall. It was there that he laid the foundation for his great, great, great grandson’s ascendancy to the Presidency of the United States. The truth of this can be found in the Republican version of world history, particularly as it relates to fake Presidents and other stuff and nonsense. The reason there was an attempt on the life of St. Ronnie when he was President is because he had uncovered evidence of this nefarious plot and was about to warn us of what would happen if Obama ever became President. Fortunately, the assassination attempt failed and St. Ronnie passed the secret information on to his faithful Republican followers who have treasured and used it ever since. They could not keep Obama from being elected because the angels’ space ship from the planet Evangelical had a flat tire and did not arrive in time to nip this disaster in the bud. All will still work out, however, as Mitt Romney, protected by his sacred underwear, will swoop in at the last moment with his plan to destroy the health of all who are not Republicans and thus insure no diseases or defectives will go to heaven during the rapture which has been unexpectedly delayed due to a biblical miscalculation. They foolishly used the wrong bible. This, too, will be corrected as soon as the multi-million dollar creationist theme park in Kentucky opens and the dinosaur diaries are made available to the public. It is my understanding that the contemporary dinosaurs, disguised as chickens, have been working for years to decipher the 6000 year-old diaries written in tongues. So not to worry, all will be well, Republican heroes will emerge from the current chaos, God will speak to some of them like Palin, Bachmann, and Pawlenty, and we will once again be living in the land of plenty where the free market will take good care of us, one and all. Cheers.