Kitchen Stuff

Kitchen Gadgets

Twice now I have seen this new kitchen gadget featured on TV, an “egg cracker.” You know how difficult it is to crack an egg, but no more! You just place an egg in this thing, squeeze the handles, and the egg is cracked perfectly (or so they claim). Not only that, it is so sophisticated it will even separate the yolk from the white. Cracking eggs is such an onerous, hard, and tricky task I should think every kitchen should have one of these fine new egg crackers.
Of course there are many other items now that no self-respecting kitchen should be without. Take the Original Bagel Guillotine, for example. Now you don’t have to struggle with a knife and all the dangers that accompany trying to slice a bagel, you just put it in this guillotine and press the handle. What could be easier?

I’m sure you must be familiar with that famous French cookware, Le Creuset. Anyone who is anyone at all should certainly have one or more of these fine and quite expensive cooking pots. And, if you are the kind of person who agrees you should also then purchase a “Sleek Maple Tower” to display your Le Creuset. A 6-shelf Pot rack retails for a mere $229.95 and allows you to “display” your expensive pots for all to see, admire, and envy. For those less wealthy there is a more modest 3-shelf rack, not quite as ostentatious, but adequate, and certainly better than what the peasants have.

Something else I regard as an absolute “must,” would be the Electric Salt and Pepper Mill. You know how hard it is to shake the salt cellar, and twisting the pepper mill requires even more skill and strength. Now, with the mere touch of a button, you can help yourself to as much salt and pepper as desired. (batteries not included). Perhaps one day they will develop this so as to even eliminate the trouble of having to push a button (oh, I guess we already have that now). You also wouldn’t want to pass up the “Titanium Mesh Spice Infuser.” No more having to wrestle with and tie up a recalcitrant bundle of stubborn herbs (that bouquet garni), you just place them in this handy stainless steel titanium holder, with a convenient attached small chain with which to remove it, and stick it in with your stew or whatever. It ‘s real genuine titanium, “antimicrobial with no metallic transfer .” Don’t be caught without one. Think of all the string you’ll save.
Remember how hard it is to get those stuffed green peppers to stand up when you want to bake them? Worry no more, there is now a special pan guaranteed to keep them upright. It features specially dimpled holes designed specifically for them that will eliminate any tip-overs. This is not as specialized as it may appear (thank goodness) as you can also use it for cabbage rolls and stuffed tomatoes. And speaking of specialization, you must get one of the specially designed ventilated garlic holders, hand-washable and made to keep your garlic warm and dry. No more hanging those unsightly braided garlic wreaths around the kitchen where your garlic might get cold or wet. There is now also a special pan for cooking meatballs, it elevates them above the bottom of the pan, out of the grease, so you no longer have to expend any energy turning them. Of course you dare not go without a pair of onion goggles, guaranteed “to block vapors to prevent tears.” They have fog-free lenses with a special soft foam seal. Worried about cutting your fingers when slicing roasts? You don’t have to worry any longer, just buy a pair of “roast-cutting tongs” that will not only protect fingers but allow you to slice perfectly even slices every time. Speaking of perfectly even slices, there is also a special gadget that features stainless steel tines that you sink into tomatoes to allow you to produce beautiful even slices. Although it doesn’t say so, I assume this is dishwasher safe. Also in the interest of finger safety get the stainless steel finger guard, “the secret tool used by professional chefs” (strangely, I confess I have never, ever, seen a chef use such a gadget, but what do I know). Still emphasizing safety, there is a specially made pounder for flattening chicken breasts, veal, and other cutlets, that features a carefully designed and thoughtfully offset handle to prevent any potential damage to the knuckles. You can also acquire, for a very reasonable price, a special “cool gripper,” for lifting pans from the burners or oven. No more having to use those inconvenient hot pads. I should think this would be an absolute necessity for those forced to cook in tin cans over an open fire.

For a mere $150 you can acquire a Touchless Paper Tower Dispenser that not only dispenses paper towels with dispatch but even cuts them, thus saving money (somehow). This indispensable gadget fits any paper towel brand and will easily fit under cabinets. I assume this is another part of the plan to create a form of cooking entirely free of human hands or effort.
There seems to be an endless supply of increasingly specialized gadgets for the cook who has to have everything (including, I gather, an exceptionally large kitchen with unlimited storage, see my essay, Valley Girls in the Kitchen, 12-24-04). I fear I cannot deal with all of these clever innovations here (there must be hundreds if not thousands of specialized pans, pots, dishes, utensils, racks, holders, and other kitchen aids). Let me close with what I guess is my favorite to date, the “turkey cannon.” This clever device is a rack constructed with a special cannon-like tube that is shoved up inside the ass (cavity, that is) of the bird. The heat of the oven plus the moistness of the hot liquids causes them to shoot up inside the bird (it is said), thus guaranteeing the fowl will (somehow) be perfectly seasoned and never dry. I love this stuff!

It seems to me it was only yesterday we discovered how to make fire, eventually cook by one means or another, and now we already have all these fine new gadgets designed to make life so much easier, eliminate the terrible dangers associated with everyday cooking, and presumably enhance the enjoyment of what would otherwise be such a terrible and difficult routine chore. This is what real progress is all about. I bet pretty soon someone will invent a way to keep cooks from having to touch or deal with food preparation at all. Oh, I guess Jenny Craig, Nutrisystem, and some of the other Glycemic index people have already done that (interesting that Nutrisystem never bothers to mention you won’t have to cook for weeks). I guess The “Joy of Cooking” didn’t really ring many bells. Sigh!